Once you have been able to clearly form your message, the next vital skill in interpersonal communication is to learn the difference between making demands and requests.
Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for giving a firm directive. Yet, in our day to day interactions with our coworkers and loved ones, if we can learn the art of making requests we can cut down on defensiveness and unnecessary tangential discourse. After all, the objective is to create connection and or get the task done, no?
So the next time you find yourself telling a friend or a loved one to DO something. Stop. Pause.. Breathe. Then ask yourself what you are really asking. Make it specific, clear, and measurable. Now, if like I said last week, this part is hard, then share that and work through the request with your loved one. Otherwise, state the request, in a tone that communicates respect for the other person and wait for their response.
Now again, by making a request, yes, you give the other person the option of saying, "no". If you are in fact met with a "no" there are ways to work with that. Communicating the importance to you is one such strategy. I will go into that more next week.
For now, watch your interactions. How often do you make demands of others in your life? How often do you simply ask? How do others respond when you demand vs request? It may feel weird at first. You may even end up with more disappointment iin the beginning. This is not uncommon. It is simply an indicator of the type of communication that the people around you have become used to. With practice and diligence, it will get easier and I don't doubt, in the long run, you will begin to see your relationships strengthening as a result.
All my best,
Heidi
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