Mindfulness Monday: Body Awareness 9/2/13

It's Labor Day! Hope you are all getting a break for the typical work week to enjoy all the things that matter to you most.

Today's Mindfulness Monday tip has to do with brining our awareness to our body sensations. Last week we brought our attention to our thoughts and today I am encouraging you to bring your focus of attention to your bodies. This type of attention, much like with our thoughts, is one of an observer's mind. We notice with a sense of detached awareness, without judgement or criticism or even an attempt to change. We simply notice.

Take a few minutes today to sit quietly. You can be really structured with it and set a timer for as little as a minute or up to 20 minutes for this exercise. If you choose not to be so structured that works too. Just simply center, close your eyes, attend to your breathing and bring your attention to the rising and falling of your chest. Notice what this physically feels like. Notice your heart beat and the texture of your breathing. Is it strained or labored? Is it calm and fluid? Just simply notice, again without judgement or desire to change. From Your breathing bring your focus to other areas of your body. Your hands... notice your hands. Are they tense or relaxed? Hot or cold? Just notice. Then move your attention to your shoulders, neck and jaw. What do you notice here? All the while, continue your breathing, in your nose and out your nose, keeping the in-breath and out-breath equal in length and once again, noticing the rising and falling of your chest. Continue this process through other parts of the body as well. Back, abdomen, hips, legs feet, face.

In this process of noticing and allowing, invite yourself to release what ever you are ready to let go of. Continue to notice your breathing, in the nose and out the nose. Letting go of old energy with the out-breath and taking in new energy with the in-breath.

At times the body will not want to let go of noticed tensions. This is ok. Tension is not always bad. Remember that the process is one of noticing and allowing not one of changing. As we notice in this way, we allow our bodies to naturally take care of themselves. When you think about a butterfly and it's transformational process remember, it is not one that is manipulated or control but one of natural unfolding. Trust. Just trust in the process.

Heidi

Happy Labor Day my friends.

Being You!!

So this past work week  was an incredible week, as most are for me with my clients. Each session brings new insights and experiences and I can't express enough how amazing it is to me to see my clients begin to transform before my eyes. 

Over the years I have developed a nack for being attuned to the subtle shifts and nuances that come with emotion health and healing. I see things that many would not notice or even acknowledge as significant, but to me, any shift means growth.. A difference in body posture, a change in tone, an ability to more clearly articulate feelings.. The changes are subtle like I said, most times, but nevertheless they are there.

As I watched this week though, something truly miraculous unfolded.. And it was funny because it seemed to be a theme for the week as it wasn't just with one client but an energetic sense that seemed to flow from session to session.

As each session unfolded, I heard story after story of in some way being closed off, shut down or being told to be something or someone different than who they were. Some accounts were with current relationships, some were historical in nature but each client seemed to be remembering times when the world had mirrored back to them how they in some way were just not OK.

Now we all have had these experiences, they aren't foreign or unique in the general sense, the world is a harsh place and even the best intentioned parent or friend will unknowingly shut us down at some point in our lives... It's inevitable.

What was striking this week though was the light that seemed to return to the eyes of one of my clients as we reflected on the qualities that would make him a prime candidate for a summer job he was prospecting. His demeanor was monotone, serious and flat as he was telling me he saw himself and funny, light hearted, sociable and energetic. I asked him if he realized the discrepancy between what he was saying and how he was showing up, and he said 'well yes, but I was told I needed to be professional and serious when going in to inquire about a job.' To which I assured him that there was definitely a time and place to be professional and serious and yet what it looked like to me was that he was squashing his best qualities right now. When I said this, his demeanor shifted. He smiled. He became more animated. His eyes brightened. His tone changed. It was like I was watching a total transformation right before my eyes. 

To me, what I saw in those moments was an individual truly stepping back into himself. He seemed to realize that he, as he was, had value, that he could be professional and still be himself.

Most times it takes a lot longer than just a few words from a therapist to bring about such changes, but the message is a powerful one to take home. Each and everyone of us does ourself a favor when we own who we are. When we step into our own skin and show up. It's like saying, ' Hello world! I am here!' And knowing that you being here matters and has value. Most people have had so many experiences throughout their lives that have told them that they were not ok, wrong or not enough. When we believe these things about our essence, we abandon ourselves and our relationships. That quite voice the hides away in the deep dark corners of our minds that whispers these thoughts keeps us limited in accessing our full potential.

We don't all have a therapist or dear friend handy to remind us that we are enough but we do have our own awareness to help us on the quest. If you happen to hear that critic in your mind in the future, take a deep breath and ask yourself what's really true. Remind yourself that you belong here, that you have value by your own birth right, and that you matter. Then notice what happens in your body.

 Many of you will notice a shift in tension, if only momentary. Keep practicing. The moments will grow.. Especially if you do have a group of positive friends and supportive people in your life.

If not, and you notice that you are experience  considerable distress from the thoughts,  you may want to consider calling a local therapist. There are ways to move through these issues and promote optimal well being and it doesn't have to take a life time of counseling or therapy to get there. =] 

All my best to you... From me to you.. remember: YOU MATTER!!

Heidi

FORWARD

I've been mulling over the word FORWARD in my head for some time now. Many times over the last few months I have found myself in a dilemma, difficulty or stuck spot and remembering the word FORWARD has helped me to unstick myself, find my footing and decide on my next right move. For some this may seem a no brainer. You just do it, you keep moving and you don't let your feelings or the dualities that exist within your mind slow you down. But for others I know, much like myself.. It's not quite so easy. Well, let me rephrase that... The action is just that easy but the process of getting there isn't. The fight between our head and our hearts, logic and emotion, can take it's toll and I am the first to admit that I have experienced it first hand. It is in these moments though that I value my centering time most. It is these moments that birth the most personal growth if I am willing to sit quietly and listen. 

I sit and I breathe. Focusing on my breathing helps to ground and center me. It is a meditative quite that allows for a recentering. It works like focusing on the hub of a spinning bicycle wheel. It gets at the root and though there may be chaos all around, it gives me a channel in which to center my energy.

Once I am grounded in my breathing, I ask myself 3 questions... 1) what am I feeling right now? And I wait quietly for the answer to emerge from within me.. 2) what is it that I am needing right now? And again, I wait quietly for the answer to emerge from within me.. And 3) what action can I take or do I want to take to get this need met right now?... And once more I wait quietly for the answer to emerge.

It is in this centering and self reflective time that I reconnect to my life energy and to the wisdom that lies within me. It is also in this time that I re-empower myself to take action in my life. If I sit with those questions and I come to the conclusion that I want to do nothing about the current situation that is causing me distress... so be it. But I have chosen that and in that I have taken back my power. Even the nondoing is action in this regard. 

This process helps me to  keep moving FORWARD in my life by keeping me awake to my inner process and reminding me that I ultimately am the author of my daily experiences... And so are you.

Practicing Presence

Take it in, take it all in.. Sights, sounds, smells,  colors, textures... 

As I sit here on the final night of my annual stay on the shores of our western coast, I breathe in the salt air, feel the cool breeze against my skin and allow the sounds of the crashing ocean waves to penetrate my experience. I am here, fully here to take in this moment. There is no way to replicate it. It is here and unfolding before me as each new wave unfolds upon the shore.

This moment is soothing to my soul. I feel my body relax and the tension drain with each new breathe I take. Breathe it in.. Be here now.. These are the words I say to myself to help me stay grounded and engaged with my life as it is happening before me.

Not all days will be like tonight, but no matter. By practicing presence now I am helping to train my body to take in my world regardless of the circumstance and I am creating a refuge for myself in the memory that I am creating while I am writing this. I say to myself, remember this moment.. Remember this feeling.. Breathe it in.. And my body will, and my nervous system will and it will forever be here now as a resource for me when I am in need of a calm and peaceful surrender.

We are all capable of creating our own resources by practicing a mindful presence in our everyday experiences. Take in the wonders of the world around you, connect with the feeling that it elicits in your body and breathe it in. Remind yourself to remember this feeling and you will be on your way to developing a presence that keeps you alive to the workings of the world around you and growing the network of positive associations within you to help empower you to move through difficult times as well.

What's up?

Many of you have heard me say this over and over again... 'What's up?' =] At times I am using it in the very typical and familiar sense as a way of joining or acquainting. But those of you that know me more closely know that a 'What's up?' from me is a cue to check what is happening in your body.

Now you may think that sounds strange or weird and I'd agree,I think, if I wasn't a therapist, but hear me out here. As human beings, like it or not, we all deal with emotions and reactions to the world around us. At times we can integrate these experiences into a pattern of living and responding to the world that works for us. We tend to do this unconsciously as it is quite a natural instinct. But have there been times in your life where you have behaved or reacted in a manner that you're not so proud of? Or maybe gone numb or cold to the people in your life? We all tend to have these experiences too. Therefore, making that natural instinct more conscious can help keep us in the driver seats of our emotional experience and less of a passenger to our feelings.

So what the heck do I mean by, 'What's up?' and what are you feeling in your body?  Well, it's really quite simple. When you notice that your are feeling something...getting annoyed or anxious or having a reaction or physical sensation that you don't particularly like, ask yourself, 'What's up?' By this I mean, notice the sensations that you are having without judgement and aversion. Just notice what is actually happening in your body. For example, let's say I just got finished mopping the floors and my son walks in the house from the pool sopping wet with no towel, after walking thorough the dirt in the back yard =] (Nice one eh?) Ok, so yes, as I turn and see him scurrying down the hall, I notice that my whole body tightens, my jaw clenches, I'm holding the mop tighter and my head starts to shake. Hmmm... What do you think I'm feeling? 

This is the next question in the process. Once you notice the body sensations that you are having without judgement, then you ask yourself, 'What am I feeling?' calmly.. again, without judgement or aversion. So just what am I feeling in this example? I'd have to say I'm probably feeling many thing, but mostly, annoyance, disbelief, frustration.. And yes.. Then I breathe, because after all he is my son.. (and how he got to be 7 years old without learning that you dry off before you go into the house is beyond me.) So, I recognize I am feeling these feelings, I breathe, as a step to create a pause button so I don't react immediately to the feelings I'm having, because after all feelings do lie, and I don't want to regret the action I take later on. 

After I breathe, I then ask myself, 'What am I needing?' What am I needing is an interesting question. This in not a 'need you to do something' question.. This is a 'what matters to me? What do I value question?' This distinction is very critical to make as it puts you back in the power seat, helps you to reconnect with what matters to you most and allows you to stay more  in charge of the outcome of your reality. That being said, go back to my example. Any guesses as to what I was needing or valuing? Well, I'd have to say, number one, I was valuing the clean floor I had just finished mopping and  I was valuing understanding from my son as I was wanting him to see that I had worked hard on the floor and would appreciate it if he could do his best to keep it clean.  Make sense?

Ok that being said we get to the next step. Here is where the action comes in. The last question that you ask yourself is, 'What do I want to do about it?' More clearly stated, now that I know what I am feeling and what matters to me, what steps do I want to take to get those needs met? In my example, the simple answer to my question is, speak with my son. How to speak to my son gets a little more complicated.

Now, had I reacted and skipped the breathing or the introspective questions I may have yelled at my son, making him mad or upset, and knowing him,  if that were the case, my need for understanding would have gone out the window and the next time he was swimming I'd be sure to have more muddy water on the floor. So since that didn't happen and I did pause, breathe and reflect, I get to decide what I want to do. Since I am waning a clean floor and understanding. I choose to speak to my son in a tone that promotes understanding and say something like, 'Dear, I realize you have been having fun swimming, and I am happy about that. Did you notice that when you came in that you tracked water and dirt all over the floor?' I would wait for his response and then continue, 'Mom, doesn't like that. I work hard to keep the house clean and now the floor is dirty again. Can you understand what that's like for me?' The understanding question is key. Always ask for understanding of you message. Most times this questions alone when used properly will get an emotional shift in the person you are talking to which will deepen the conversation. Then, if I was requesting anything from him I would ask, 'Son, please remember in the future to dry off completely before coming in the house. Can you do this?' Sure I could ask him to clean up the floor and I may.. But my point here is not about parenting, it's about noticing what is happing within you during an emotional experience and finding a way to identify and communicate your needs in an effective manner =]

Now, if the person you are communicating with is someone you love and trust and they love and trust you back, this exchange will go down pretty flawlessly without conflict and both parties will leave with a better understanding of the other and a way to help continue to grow the relationship. An exchange such as this communicates trust and respect and puts the relationship above all else which creates closeness and understating. Now if your relationship is more combative, defensive or less personal, there are some other things to consider which are beyond the scope of this blog post today. Stay tuned for more information on how to deal with those situation in the future.

To go back to the 'What do I want to do about it question?' I very well could have made the decision to clean up the floor and say nothing. In some instances this may be the most adaptive response. (I know all you parenting gurus out there are flipping out right now.. But I am not writing on parenting, but rather on healing and self awareness=) ) Let's say, you have had a terrible week, are feeling on the edge of a break down and know that your relationship with your son is less than ideal. Let's say that no matter how nicely you speak to him, he reacts defensively and you both end up in a worse place than you started. In this situation, though not ideal, let's say you go through the 'What's up?' questions and you DECIDE after reflection that what you need and value beyond a clean floor is peace,  so you decide to not say anything today. That is ok! As long as you make the decision to say nothing. It may not solve the problem of the pool water on the floor in the long run but it will get your need for peace met in the moment and that will most likely be more healing for you in the short term. Make sense? The true key in all of this is making your emotional responses  conscious so you can CHOOSE how you want to tend to your needs.

For now, the 'What's up?' is a tool you can use to help you better understand your needs, and when used in relationship with another, it can help to facilitate better understanding and connection between you and your loved one.

For review the steps are as follows:

1) become aware of any feeling or reaction you are having to an internal or external stimuli or situation

2) ask yourself, 'What's up?' and observe the physical sensations that are happening in your body without judgement or aversion

3) ask yourself, 'What am I feeling?' and identify the feelings that are happening in response to the stimuli to the best of your ability, again without judgement or aversion

4) BREATHE.. breathing helps to reset the nervous system and calm the body naturally.. (It's scientifically proven all you fact based analysis out there =])

5) ask yourself, 'What am I needing?' meaning.. What am I valuing or what matters to me right now? 

6) ask yourself, 'What do I want to do about it?' or what action do I want to take to get this need met. Be aware that the action may be to do nothing. This is ok as long as you consciously CHOOSE to do it!

Print it out, read it often and do a 'What's up?' check at least one time daily. Even if you aren't feeling distress, the 'What's up?' works with positive emotions too. If you are feeling happy, you can notice where you are feeling that in your body and recognize what needs of yours are truly being met in the moment. This in fact, can be even more healing as it strengthens your resources for when things aren't quite going as you might like!

All my best to you..

Heidi