Understanding and Toughness... There is a Connection

You know, I've been thinking about this for some time now. We as athletes tend do be naturally, tough, tenacious, hard headed, determined, focused, driven.. you know the bill.. and beyond that, as athletes, we admire these qualities in ourselves and others. After all, they rock, if I do say so myself.

Though when it comes to relationships, intimacy, and connection, these matters take on a certain quality that can, on the surface, seem to come into stark contrast with our all too glamourous "toughness". The art of slowing down, the art of attending to, the art of having patience with, actually seeing and understanding another, all can certainly strike a chord of anxiety in someone who is drive to go and achieve. But personally, I think these qualities serve only to compliment our tenacity and toughness.

Quite frankly speaking, when we train, isn't rest and recovery just as important as our training itself? Don't we need to give our bodies the time it needs to repair and heal, and adapt to the stress that we have put it through? As an athlete myself I know all too well how difficult this can be at times, but I also know, that without it, our performance will suffer, we will be more prone to injury and ultimately put our athleticism at risk. And I know not a one of you wants that. =]

So, when we take time to recover, and truly recover, and we practice slowing down, tending to our bodies and listening to what we need, we are in essence, beginning to hone the skills that our relationships need as well. Relationships take tenderness and understanding. They take a willingness to step outside of our own perspective and see the other person's point of view. They take an honest assessment of ourselves and what we truly have to give to see the relationship succeed. These things are hard to do when we are going 100 miles an hour in "achievement" mode. But they are possible when we slow down turn inward and honestly evaluate our own emotional experiences, and they are also possible when we slow down, pause, look deeply into the eyes of the person we are sharing our life with and do our best to honestly see, hear and understand them and what they need on an emotional level.

After all, in the end, we can't take the medals, awards or money for that matter, with us. We can't take our loved ones with us either, but to be able to rest knowing that we have done our best to do good by the one's we have share our lives with? Is't that what it's all about?

Peace my friends,

Heidi

the pic on this page captures my point here exactly.. enjoy.. http://www.anthonymillerphotography.com/2011/02/understanding/

Facts and Stories

Facts and stories... Sometimes it's hard to discern the difference between the two in our own minds as our emotions often make us feel like our stories are in fact, facts. 

Over the years though I have taught myself to look at facts as the concrete, tangible, objects and events in the out side world. The facts are in essence, what happened without judgement. 

Your opinion of the object or event would then be the story. Wether you liked it or not.. Whether you thought it was easy or hard.. Make sense?

Being able to tell the difference between facts and stories can be a helpful tool to utilize when our emotions try to highjack our minds. 

When you notice that emotional distress begins to ride, say you are feeling anxious or distressed, ask yourself:

1) what am I feeling?

2) what is happening in the outside world that may be contributing to this distress?

3) what are the facts about this situation? What do I actually know concretely to be measurable and true?

4) is there any action I can take or would like to take to address this issue?

5) then make a plan and do it! =]

All my best my friends.. Can't tell you how much I have personally grown from this practice over the years. It takes time and a willingness to live mindfully but it can surely help to put you back in the drivers seat should you feel your emotions have been getting the best of you, especially when it comes to your relationships.

aRticulate it Thursday: The Result Comes from How You Ask...

Once you have been able to clearly form your message, the next vital skill in interpersonal communication is to learn the difference between making demands and requests.

Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for giving a firm directive. Yet, in our day to day interactions with our coworkers and loved ones, if we can learn the art of making requests we can cut down on defensiveness and unnecessary tangential discourse. After all, the objective is to create connection and or  get the task done, no?

So the next time you find yourself telling a friend or a loved one to DO something. Stop. Pause.. Breathe. Then ask yourself what you are really asking. Make it specific, clear, and measurable. Now, if like I said last week, this part is hard, then share that and work through the request with your loved one. Otherwise, state the request, in a tone that communicates respect for the other person and wait for their response.

Now again, by making a request, yes, you give the other person the option of saying, "no". If you are in fact met with a "no" there are ways to work with that. Communicating the importance to you is one such strategy. I will go into that more next week.

For now, watch your interactions. How often do you make demands of others in your life? How often do you simply ask? How do others respond when you demand vs request? It may feel weird at first. You may even end up with more disappointment iin the beginning. This is not uncommon. It is simply an indicator of the type of communication that the people around you have become used to. With practice and diligence, it will get easier and I don't doubt, in the long run, you will begin to see your relationships strengthening as a result.

All my best,

Heidi

For WE Power Wednesday... some thoughts and reflections on the marriage and agreements...

I was in session recently discussing relationship dynamics with a client. We were addressing the importance of renewed agreements in relationships when my client shared that her parents, now married for close to 50 years, used to say to her on their anniversary every year that they were going away to "review their contract".  My client shared that as a 10 year old this was a bit confusing and unsettling but that now as an adult, it made perfect sense.

I think we all could benefit from this practice. No matter the type of relationship we are engaged in, setting clear agreements from the outset and then revisiting them on an annual basis allows for the fluidity of life and makes room for our ever evolving selves. People do grow and change over time and the hope in marriage is that couples can not only growth together but support the divergent growth that may happen for their spouses.

On a fundamental level, the core agreement in a marriage is to work through the hard times and support each other in the good ones... quite simply, stand beside one another for life. Unfortunately, in this day and age in our country, this agreement gets broken by over 50% of those that choose to make it, myself included. A sad statistic, but a true one none the less. Maybe if we were more conscious and deliberate about what we are committing to before taking those vows and then further, diligent about reviewing our agreements on a regular interval we could begin to have a positive impact on this statistic. I know for myself, this is my hope should I ever decide to take the plunge again.

aRticulate it THURSDAY: It's all about YOU!

aRticulate it Thursdays are all about linguistics. How can we use language and our awareness of it, to get our messages heard, as well as communicate understanding to the ones we hold close?

Today's tip is to play a mindfulness game with ourselves. I know, sounds weird. Hear me out though. So the mindfulness practice is to make the word "you" our focus, just like we would with our breathing in a sitting meditation. Throughout the day, observe the use of the word "you" in our interactions with others. Make it your task to notice how the word is used and how often.

(This is what happens when we use the word "you" without ownership of your own stuff too much =] )

Often times, when the word "you" is used in interpersonal communication we are deflecting our own personal experience and pointing the finger at another. As in, "You really shouldn't do that." This can be translated to: "I don't like what you are doing, would you be willing to stop?" Notice the change in the communication? The word "you" is still used but the context is different and instead of making a demand, the dislike is owned, and then a request for change is made.

We also use the word "you" to show approval and congratulations. Which, yes, is way cool... yet for some, the "You did an amazing job!" can also mean, "Oh man, if I don't do it that way again, then I must be a real screw up!" I know, crazy, but these things happen in our minds and if we acknowledge that fact, then through mindful awareness, we can work to be sure our words send the message that we fully intend. In this case, a simple, "WOW!" could go along way. The recipient might respond, "Wow! What?"... and you could say, "I was pretty impressed with that performance!" Again, here, there is ownership for the impression instead of projection or judgement.

So for now, the task is to just be a watchful observer of how the word, "you" shows up in your life today. I find it to be a pretty fun practice myself. Hope "you" do as well. =]

GROWTHspring to Offer Daily Inspirational Tips on Facebook

I have decided to spice things up on my GROWTHspring Counseling and Coaching Facebook page. I will be bringing you a themed daily tip or story that I hope will give you some food for thought to carry with you throughout your days. Below is my preliminary outline of what I hope to be offering. Feedback is always welcome and if you ever have a question of a more personal nature, don’t hesitate to message me directly.

Mindfulness Mondays: Mondays I will bring you tips and ideas on how to bring mindful awareness to your training and every day living. These skills will focus on breathing, presence, emotional awareness, easing distress, accepting reality and much more.

Tough it out Tuesdays: On Tuesdays I will bring you stories and quotes about mental toughness, emotional endurance and what it takes to keep a tight mind in times of distress. Tuesdays are a great day to share your personal stories as well. Each of us has a story of how we have persevered through difficult times and when we share them, we move out of isolation and into the realm of connection. This my friends is what healing is all about.

WE POWER Wednesdays: Wednesdays will be the day when I bring you ideas on how to keep the WE alive in your relationships. I see this as being a pretty fun day.. I hope to share ways to deepen your relationships as well as maybe spice things up a bit too!  

aRticulate it Thursdays: Thursdays will be the day to kick start your communication know-how. Knowing how to speak to your listener as well as clearly express your feelings and needs are essential skills for living well.

Forward Moving Fridays: Fridays will focus on setting goals and intentions but I also hope to use this day for us to share new and innovative forward moving tips on health, wellness, fitness and exploring the world around us. Feel free to share a new trail that you discovered or an up and coming event in the valley that you may think other would be interested in attending. After all, picking our heads up and taking the next step into a new moment of discovery is what experiencing life is all about!

Be sure to LIKE GROWTHspring Counseling and Coaching on Facebook to ensure you get your daily tips and inspirations!

All my best to you.

Til next time,

Heidi

What's up?

Many of you have heard me say this over and over again... 'What's up?' =] At times I am using it in the very typical and familiar sense as a way of joining or acquainting. But those of you that know me more closely know that a 'What's up?' from me is a cue to check what is happening in your body.

Now you may think that sounds strange or weird and I'd agree,I think, if I wasn't a therapist, but hear me out here. As human beings, like it or not, we all deal with emotions and reactions to the world around us. At times we can integrate these experiences into a pattern of living and responding to the world that works for us. We tend to do this unconsciously as it is quite a natural instinct. But have there been times in your life where you have behaved or reacted in a manner that you're not so proud of? Or maybe gone numb or cold to the people in your life? We all tend to have these experiences too. Therefore, making that natural instinct more conscious can help keep us in the driver seats of our emotional experience and less of a passenger to our feelings.

So what the heck do I mean by, 'What's up?' and what are you feeling in your body?  Well, it's really quite simple. When you notice that your are feeling something...getting annoyed or anxious or having a reaction or physical sensation that you don't particularly like, ask yourself, 'What's up?' By this I mean, notice the sensations that you are having without judgement and aversion. Just notice what is actually happening in your body. For example, let's say I just got finished mopping the floors and my son walks in the house from the pool sopping wet with no towel, after walking thorough the dirt in the back yard =] (Nice one eh?) Ok, so yes, as I turn and see him scurrying down the hall, I notice that my whole body tightens, my jaw clenches, I'm holding the mop tighter and my head starts to shake. Hmmm... What do you think I'm feeling? 

This is the next question in the process. Once you notice the body sensations that you are having without judgement, then you ask yourself, 'What am I feeling?' calmly.. again, without judgement or aversion. So just what am I feeling in this example? I'd have to say I'm probably feeling many thing, but mostly, annoyance, disbelief, frustration.. And yes.. Then I breathe, because after all he is my son.. (and how he got to be 7 years old without learning that you dry off before you go into the house is beyond me.) So, I recognize I am feeling these feelings, I breathe, as a step to create a pause button so I don't react immediately to the feelings I'm having, because after all feelings do lie, and I don't want to regret the action I take later on. 

After I breathe, I then ask myself, 'What am I needing?' What am I needing is an interesting question. This in not a 'need you to do something' question.. This is a 'what matters to me? What do I value question?' This distinction is very critical to make as it puts you back in the power seat, helps you to reconnect with what matters to you most and allows you to stay more  in charge of the outcome of your reality. That being said, go back to my example. Any guesses as to what I was needing or valuing? Well, I'd have to say, number one, I was valuing the clean floor I had just finished mopping and  I was valuing understanding from my son as I was wanting him to see that I had worked hard on the floor and would appreciate it if he could do his best to keep it clean.  Make sense?

Ok that being said we get to the next step. Here is where the action comes in. The last question that you ask yourself is, 'What do I want to do about it?' More clearly stated, now that I know what I am feeling and what matters to me, what steps do I want to take to get those needs met? In my example, the simple answer to my question is, speak with my son. How to speak to my son gets a little more complicated.

Now, had I reacted and skipped the breathing or the introspective questions I may have yelled at my son, making him mad or upset, and knowing him,  if that were the case, my need for understanding would have gone out the window and the next time he was swimming I'd be sure to have more muddy water on the floor. So since that didn't happen and I did pause, breathe and reflect, I get to decide what I want to do. Since I am waning a clean floor and understanding. I choose to speak to my son in a tone that promotes understanding and say something like, 'Dear, I realize you have been having fun swimming, and I am happy about that. Did you notice that when you came in that you tracked water and dirt all over the floor?' I would wait for his response and then continue, 'Mom, doesn't like that. I work hard to keep the house clean and now the floor is dirty again. Can you understand what that's like for me?' The understanding question is key. Always ask for understanding of you message. Most times this questions alone when used properly will get an emotional shift in the person you are talking to which will deepen the conversation. Then, if I was requesting anything from him I would ask, 'Son, please remember in the future to dry off completely before coming in the house. Can you do this?' Sure I could ask him to clean up the floor and I may.. But my point here is not about parenting, it's about noticing what is happing within you during an emotional experience and finding a way to identify and communicate your needs in an effective manner =]

Now, if the person you are communicating with is someone you love and trust and they love and trust you back, this exchange will go down pretty flawlessly without conflict and both parties will leave with a better understanding of the other and a way to help continue to grow the relationship. An exchange such as this communicates trust and respect and puts the relationship above all else which creates closeness and understating. Now if your relationship is more combative, defensive or less personal, there are some other things to consider which are beyond the scope of this blog post today. Stay tuned for more information on how to deal with those situation in the future.

To go back to the 'What do I want to do about it question?' I very well could have made the decision to clean up the floor and say nothing. In some instances this may be the most adaptive response. (I know all you parenting gurus out there are flipping out right now.. But I am not writing on parenting, but rather on healing and self awareness=) ) Let's say, you have had a terrible week, are feeling on the edge of a break down and know that your relationship with your son is less than ideal. Let's say that no matter how nicely you speak to him, he reacts defensively and you both end up in a worse place than you started. In this situation, though not ideal, let's say you go through the 'What's up?' questions and you DECIDE after reflection that what you need and value beyond a clean floor is peace,  so you decide to not say anything today. That is ok! As long as you make the decision to say nothing. It may not solve the problem of the pool water on the floor in the long run but it will get your need for peace met in the moment and that will most likely be more healing for you in the short term. Make sense? The true key in all of this is making your emotional responses  conscious so you can CHOOSE how you want to tend to your needs.

For now, the 'What's up?' is a tool you can use to help you better understand your needs, and when used in relationship with another, it can help to facilitate better understanding and connection between you and your loved one.

For review the steps are as follows:

1) become aware of any feeling or reaction you are having to an internal or external stimuli or situation

2) ask yourself, 'What's up?' and observe the physical sensations that are happening in your body without judgement or aversion

3) ask yourself, 'What am I feeling?' and identify the feelings that are happening in response to the stimuli to the best of your ability, again without judgement or aversion

4) BREATHE.. breathing helps to reset the nervous system and calm the body naturally.. (It's scientifically proven all you fact based analysis out there =])

5) ask yourself, 'What am I needing?' meaning.. What am I valuing or what matters to me right now? 

6) ask yourself, 'What do I want to do about it?' or what action do I want to take to get this need met. Be aware that the action may be to do nothing. This is ok as long as you consciously CHOOSE to do it!

Print it out, read it often and do a 'What's up?' check at least one time daily. Even if you aren't feeling distress, the 'What's up?' works with positive emotions too. If you are feeling happy, you can notice where you are feeling that in your body and recognize what needs of yours are truly being met in the moment. This in fact, can be even more healing as it strengthens your resources for when things aren't quite going as you might like!

All my best to you..

Heidi