Facts and Stories

Facts and stories... Sometimes it's hard to discern the difference between the two in our own minds as our emotions often make us feel like our stories are in fact, facts. 

Over the years though I have taught myself to look at facts as the concrete, tangible, objects and events in the out side world. The facts are in essence, what happened without judgement. 

Your opinion of the object or event would then be the story. Wether you liked it or not.. Whether you thought it was easy or hard.. Make sense?

Being able to tell the difference between facts and stories can be a helpful tool to utilize when our emotions try to highjack our minds. 

When you notice that emotional distress begins to ride, say you are feeling anxious or distressed, ask yourself:

1) what am I feeling?

2) what is happening in the outside world that may be contributing to this distress?

3) what are the facts about this situation? What do I actually know concretely to be measurable and true?

4) is there any action I can take or would like to take to address this issue?

5) then make a plan and do it! =]

All my best my friends.. Can't tell you how much I have personally grown from this practice over the years. It takes time and a willingness to live mindfully but it can surely help to put you back in the drivers seat should you feel your emotions have been getting the best of you, especially when it comes to your relationships.

aRticulate it Thursday: The Result Comes from How You Ask...

Once you have been able to clearly form your message, the next vital skill in interpersonal communication is to learn the difference between making demands and requests.

Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for giving a firm directive. Yet, in our day to day interactions with our coworkers and loved ones, if we can learn the art of making requests we can cut down on defensiveness and unnecessary tangential discourse. After all, the objective is to create connection and or  get the task done, no?

So the next time you find yourself telling a friend or a loved one to DO something. Stop. Pause.. Breathe. Then ask yourself what you are really asking. Make it specific, clear, and measurable. Now, if like I said last week, this part is hard, then share that and work through the request with your loved one. Otherwise, state the request, in a tone that communicates respect for the other person and wait for their response.

Now again, by making a request, yes, you give the other person the option of saying, "no". If you are in fact met with a "no" there are ways to work with that. Communicating the importance to you is one such strategy. I will go into that more next week.

For now, watch your interactions. How often do you make demands of others in your life? How often do you simply ask? How do others respond when you demand vs request? It may feel weird at first. You may even end up with more disappointment iin the beginning. This is not uncommon. It is simply an indicator of the type of communication that the people around you have become used to. With practice and diligence, it will get easier and I don't doubt, in the long run, you will begin to see your relationships strengthening as a result.

All my best,

Heidi

aRticulate it THURSDAY: It's all about YOU!

aRticulate it Thursdays are all about linguistics. How can we use language and our awareness of it, to get our messages heard, as well as communicate understanding to the ones we hold close?

Today's tip is to play a mindfulness game with ourselves. I know, sounds weird. Hear me out though. So the mindfulness practice is to make the word "you" our focus, just like we would with our breathing in a sitting meditation. Throughout the day, observe the use of the word "you" in our interactions with others. Make it your task to notice how the word is used and how often.

(This is what happens when we use the word "you" without ownership of your own stuff too much =] )

Often times, when the word "you" is used in interpersonal communication we are deflecting our own personal experience and pointing the finger at another. As in, "You really shouldn't do that." This can be translated to: "I don't like what you are doing, would you be willing to stop?" Notice the change in the communication? The word "you" is still used but the context is different and instead of making a demand, the dislike is owned, and then a request for change is made.

We also use the word "you" to show approval and congratulations. Which, yes, is way cool... yet for some, the "You did an amazing job!" can also mean, "Oh man, if I don't do it that way again, then I must be a real screw up!" I know, crazy, but these things happen in our minds and if we acknowledge that fact, then through mindful awareness, we can work to be sure our words send the message that we fully intend. In this case, a simple, "WOW!" could go along way. The recipient might respond, "Wow! What?"... and you could say, "I was pretty impressed with that performance!" Again, here, there is ownership for the impression instead of projection or judgement.

So for now, the task is to just be a watchful observer of how the word, "you" shows up in your life today. I find it to be a pretty fun practice myself. Hope "you" do as well. =]